alternate title: on purpose, privilege, ambition, obligation, and the euphoria of nature
i live in the city, but my heart is in the trees and open sky and singing birds. it is euphoria when you’re standing above the world looking upon the thrilling vastness & the multisensational RICHNESS of mother nature — feeling the connection to earth, the gratitude for my health, and the joy of discovery.
almost everything i’ve done this year has been in pursuit of mountain time: it is healing; it is therapy.
an ex used to comment that i always wanted to do too much. it is fair and accurate criticism. in chase of doing everything and experiencing everything, sometimes it comes at the expense of other people, and other times it comes at the expense of my own wellbeing.
but i do want to do it all — it comes from a fear of having not lived my most healthy years to my fullest. (see: 100 alternate lives.) i want to maximize on every axis - work, play, love, health.
it’s why i work a job i adore in electric NYC (new york or nowhere), dedicate all my PTO to the mountains (this year, on track to spend ~45 days in the mountains) and also carve time for fitness & creative time, both alone and social, in my busy weeks.
i know it is only because i have been beyond lucky to be raised in privilege that i am able to live this life. my priorities are self-actualization, belonging, self-esteem; not safety and survival. i am eternally grateful for my immigrant parents who gave everything for the life i live today: they started from zero and built upwards to allow me to start from 100. so as much as my momma frets over me and my safety, i hope she feels deeply accomplished and fulfilled and proud when she sees her daughter chasing bigger dreams than anything my ancestors before me ever had the opportunity to pursue.
and so, in the spirit of self-actualization, my choices this year have been driven by one philosophy: instead of “what is my purpose in life” (decision paralysis, thinking and planning more than actually doing), bias towards “what brings me alive at THIS point in my life?” (just do what excites you, have faith that the dots will connect backwards)
but i cannot help but ask myself: this hyper-focus on experience, on lifestyle… is it distracting from some greater, grander thing?
i could travel and see the world and hike all the trails and then work for national parks and conservation agencies… (and get a masters in urban design and work in creative events and physical community spaces…) is that not a joyful, fulfilling life spent in dedication to the world around me?! (related: my notes from the Book of Joy)
but “ambition” as i’ve always known it has always been the silicon valley tech startup leadership path… it is what i am trained to do. so while it feels frustratingly shortsighted to confine my potential and possibilities to the tech domain, it also feels selfish to waste my capabilities to pursue a different thing entirely.
more importantly, though, i care about financial independence because i want to build a familial legacy: i care about retiring my parents and supporting my special needs brother.
this train of thought ends abruptly here… i don’t have an answer for these questions! i have faith that i’m only 22 - answers will come with time.
but if you have answers, or if you have related lived experience - please reach out! i’d love to hear from you.